A Four Step Guide to Living a Miserable Life

“Probably, if you are successful in this world you are stressed, and if you are a failure, you are bored! But they both are ways of not being aligned.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

The following instructions are a step-by-step guide to living a short, miserable life.

If followed correctly, by the end you should know how to live very few years of an unhappy, loveless, painful existence that will make you and all of those around you thoroughly miserable.

STEP 1: Cultivating a Misanthropic Attitude

In order to be thoroughly unhappy, it is most important to develop a cynical attitude towards your fellow man. In today’s society this is not difficult. Recognize the bad points in everyone you see. Be outspoken about their faults and remind each person of them often. Most importantly, avoid emotionally attached relationships as if such things were pandemic.

STEP 2: Living an Unhealthy Lifestyle

It is important to make the worst possible choices when it comes to food and exercise (we advocate a great deal of the former and little to none of the latter). Remember, only a thoroughly unhealthy body can reach its full, miserable potential.

STEP 3: Financial Management

The simple idea behind this concept is not to practice it. Work very little and save nothing. We recommend copious spending (best if it is on credit) for items that are useless and that you don’t need. Despite this anti-frugal attitude, DO NOT give money to charities or beggars (see also: Step 1- Cultivating a Misanthropic Attitude)

STEP 4: Preparing for the End

It is of most importance for living a short, miserable life to generate an unhealthy fear of dying. See death in everything: driving, recreational activities, germ-covered surfaces, sleeping, etc.

Recognize the inherent danger in these things and allow yourself to become paranoid. An unhealthy fear of almost everything will make achievable your goal as a thoroughly miserable member of society.

Science has proven that this fear is one of the best ways to shorten your lifespan.


Living a short, miserable life is exceedingly easy and painful as long as you follow these simple instructions.

It is important, however, to avoid the option of suicide unless you choose an exceedingly drawn-out and painful method to perform it.

For example, we recommend liberal use of tobacco and/or other “risky” behaviors that will inevitably lead to a slow, horrible end.

Source: “How to Live a Short, Miserable Life“, by Jeremiah Schmidt, from (the now defunct) purpleslinky.com.