“Our nature is that men will begin their search for fulfillment through the gateway of sexuality while women will be attracted to the romantic door, but our capacity to be truly met by each other results in a magnificent emotional openness from the man and sexual connectedness by the woman.”
The problem with this question is that men and women approach sex from opposite sides of the equation. Men use sex as a major part of the process to determine if they feel safe enough to open emotionally to a woman, while women use a relationship as a way to determine if they feel safe enough to open themselves sexually to a man.
The reason we’ve come to believe that a woman’s focus is more on the relational and a man’s is more in the sexual is that while we crave the full depth of connection, it’s rare that we find someone who we feel safe enough to be completely vulnerable to.
Stereotypically men are more interested in ‘getting off’ than women, but when a woman makes a connection to a man she can fully trust her sexual capacity and openness makes the male sex drive look tame. A conscious woman is not horny and looking for a way to get off, she’s open and infinite in her ability to express connection and desire with her lover.
Men possess a more limited sexual vocabulary and ability to experience pleasure (one and then done) while women have a range of imagination and euphoric pleasure that can come in wave after wave and go on for hours. Even if you haven’t experienced this kind of multi-orgasmic, hours-long type of connection, you can see hints of the differences in the erotica we each choose.
Men focus on hyper-visual stimulus with a fixation on a few positions or moves resulting in one glorious climax, while women look to romantic and relational contexts and explore sexual topics and literature that have much more variety and depth. Men don’t have an equivalent to 50 Shades of Gray. They don’t require a story and strong character to feel safe exploring risqué sexual ideas.
And there is no reverse equivalent for men to explore their emotions safely. A man’s capacity to be fully emotionally expressive has no outlet the way women’s sexuality does. Instead men substitute yelling at sports games and awkward ‘Bro Hugs’ in an attempt to capture some of the emotional connection they crave.
A man’s path to find emotional security and confidence is a solitary one. While women see the potential for a man’s emotional maturity and many try to rescue men or support them in this discovery, in the end it fails more often than not. Most men stumble upon it or are forced into embracing it through intense situations in life. It’s the empathetic nature of a woman that causes her to want to relieve the pain and challenge of life, but a man doesn’t reach this place without working through his adversity on his own. The men who achieve a masculine claim to their emotions recall moments of crisis like the loss of a child or a partner, or facing death themselves.
A woman’s embrace of her sexuality is often as a result of an experience with a man who doesn’t see her as a sexual vessel for him to satisfy himself with. Over and over her trust repeatedly deepens as she experiences a man who is equally capable and desiring to connect with her mind and soul.
Ideally we should have experienced this kind of trust, safety and openness with our parents, but too many of us were shamed for our sexuality and had parents incapable of opening up to the kind of emotional depth and trust we craved. So we’re leading ourselves in the discovery of what’s possible.
Intuitively women know that even if they haven’t personally experienced it, men are capable of incredible depths of passion and sacrifice for the love of one woman. Men hold out the hope that a woman can be completely sexually open and confident to explore every desire, even if they’ve never witnessed it themselves.
Our nature is that men will begin their search for fulfillment through the gateway of sexuality while women will be attracted to the romantic door, but our capacity to be truly met by each other results in a magnificent emotional openness from the man and sexual connectedness by the woman. Our focus was never supposed to be ‘sex’ or ‘a relationship’.
Our focus was to find fulfillment in loving ourselves first and then attracting a partner capable of sharing themselves with another, rather than pair bonding between two people needing love to be whole.
If you’re a man who finds your interest in sex exceeds a woman’s, examine whether you’re living a life of confident purpose that creates the safety and capacity for you to be completely unguarded with women.
If you’re a woman who finds your desire for connection exceeds the men you have known, examine whether you have allowed your need for connection to overwhelm your intuition and settled for men too emotionally immature to have that connection with.